My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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