The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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