Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
