my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
