your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
