I'm really into asian looking animals
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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