i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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