remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
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I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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