What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
