I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
