You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
