I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
