I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
