is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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