I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
