What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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