Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
