I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
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