he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
