see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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