okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
