everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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