Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Pants are for mortals
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
