I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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