my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
