I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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