Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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