I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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