her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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