I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
