just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
