It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Every concussion has its silver lining
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
