Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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