i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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