So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
