I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
