I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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