he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
