I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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