why didn't you poke me back
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Randomize
