I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
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