How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
