i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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