i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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