You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
