I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
