I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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