Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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