I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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