woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
