I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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