I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
