Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
