i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
