I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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