I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He felt like a one man threesome
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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