I think I won the penis lottery.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
