i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
