I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
