She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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