why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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