My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize