Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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