I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
