i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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